Sam's Life Is...

...new things

2009-05-12T08:39:00.000-07:00

So I haven't posted in awhile --at least not about any recent happenings. There is far more to tell than I have the time for right now. So I will give you a quick update.

I'm sitting in my little motel room, here in Shelby Montana, where I have been for a week now. About two weeks ago I came up to Lethbridge Alberta(hour and a half north of here) to get the wheels rolling on my new life there. However, there have been some paper work problems with my visa and I am stuck outside of the country until this is cleared up. I'm going now into the Rockies to volunteer on a couple farms, something to keep me busy and perhaps a good place to keep to myself, pray and decide some steps from here.

So much has happened since I visited Lethbridge in December(see "5,300 miles") and I'm so grateful for it all. I was lead to River of Life church, where I've been welcomed and supported beyond what I ever would have expected(there's a neat story about how I was given the name on several accounts before even knowing it existed). I was lead to a location where I could get off into the mountains from time to time(if you know me then you know how much that means to me). I found a great job doing what love, with an employer who is very committed to getting me into the country(which I didn't expect to find. Awesome). I was blessed with a house, a vehicle, funds, etc etc...but my favourite would be the amazing girlfriend that I've been gifted with. She's been a huge influence in my walk with God and just in bringing me back to what made sense in my life and as a person. You will see more posts on all of this in the future, I'm sure.

Well, I must go pack up the truck and head out. God bless!

Pride

2009-04-20T17:50:00.000-07:00

It's starting to get dark and I'm here in this cleared space between the trees yet again. The wind shoves the leafless branches into one another and I am cold.

"I should have brought a jacket. Why do I never bring a jacket? Why am I barefoot?"

This worn patch of ground is familiar. I know every inch of it. Most of it has been beaten down by me...falling on it, then scraping, trying to get back on my feet. Who am I kidding? All of it, has been worn down by my own defeated body.

It's getting darker and the cloud-filled sky is not helping - not helping my failing sight or my morale. He always comes when it's barely light, when the wind is loud, when I'm weak and ready to leave. I came here angry, I came here strong and ready, but now I wished I hadn't come at all. He'll be here soon, and a crowd to cheer him will follow. I can do it. This time, I can do it.

"Gah!" *thud*

He took me off guard, as usual. And so I've already had my first taste of my own tongue, not to mention dirt. I'll take a second to gather myself and get back on my feet while he ravels in the thought of his own cunning wit. The ground is cold beneath my hands as I push myself to my feet with all the dignity I can muster. But there he stands, wearing the same proud smirk as always - it's clear to see that far too much thought has gone into his very presence. His posture, as though it came natural, would be ten thousand strokes of an artists brush, and his face is a sharp and mysterious expression that would not only catch the eye of any naive young girl, but screams of how well he knows his own face. Far too well, if you ask me.

I see light in the forest behind him, torches and voices. They come to see their hero fight...to see him win. But I won't stand for it. I bolt in his direction with my fists clinched and drawing back. His haughty aura makes me nauseous and I have every intention of turning his already victorious smile into and unconscious, mouth-gaping spectacle. I swing with such force that I am certain to remove his head from his shoulders, and if the air could speak, it would tell of the pain, for that was all that I hit before receiving a strike to the ribs that stopped me in time for a moment. I tried to breath, to stay on my feet, but somewhere in the confusion another blow was dealt to my face and I found myself on the ground, yet again.

The ring, as it were, is now lit quite well. Many have gathered with lanterns or lights of some kind to see the fight; friends and followers, pretty girls who have come to gaze upon their victor, even a few of his elders, proud of his achievements and supportive of his win. He walks around me, holding his hands in the air, acknowledging his peers without looking them in the eye, smiling without showing his teeth.

"I'm not like him" I think to myself "I'm not like any of them."

They chant his name, which everyone knows. On his arm is a tattoo. The letter "P", his initial, as finely drawn and as eloquent as the expensive shoes he wore to batter me with. And of course, the very moment I thought it, fine leather
and blood was forcefully fed to me.

I don't know if I am lying on my back or my face. I can't feel my face.

"Was that a tooth I just choked on?"

I wipe the blood from my face to see him standing with his arms crossed and his back turned. The crowd is dying down and many of his "friends" are smiling and patting him on the shoulders.

"No" I thought to myself "They came to see a fight and I will show them a fight, but if they came to see me lose, I will have to disappoint them this time"

Before I even thought about my actions, I had risen to my feet and knocked him to the ground. People shouted, stopped, turned to watch. They were entertained, but would they be on my side? I needed them on my side. I turned so that everyone could see my battered face in their flickering flames before leaning down to him, as though to help him up...but I didn't. I wiped the blood from my face and onto his tailored shirt. Suddenly a cheer arose from those around me and I found a new strength. I picked him up by his collar, paused to find fear in his eyes and then broke his nose with my own forehead, rousing yet another bloody cheer from the crowd before dropping him into the dirt that he had finally earned.

Soon someone brought me a drink (I must have looked like I needed it), and I held it high in a toast to my new friends. I smashed the glass on the ground to keep the energy high in the on-lookers and turned back to my opponent, where he lay in his defeat. I walked over to him, rolled him over in search of his embarrassed faced...but I did not find a broken man in overpriced clothes. Instead, I found a scared young man in a dirty t-shirt. He was missing several front teeth and was shivering in the cold night air. Then something else caught my eye; there was the eloquent "P" tattooed on my own arm.

"Wait. What happened?"

But I knew.

Now I remember this part. Now I wish the crowd weren't cheering for me. I was wrong to ever come here and think I could beat him. I am like him. I'm just like him. Heck, I'm him. From the moment I accepted his challenge I had lost. God forgive me. I always do this. I left my work to come here, and for what?

I leave the crowd, the cheers, the shame and start back. It's dark, it's cold and it's a very very long way back to where I was. Why can't I ever learn? I call out to You but I've taken myself too far away. It's silent here. I don't want to come back.

Forgive me, Father. You always do...how and why, I often wonder.

...awesome

2009-03-12T11:11:00.000-07:00

Recently life is good. Though few words, there a enough smiles and overall contentment to last for a very long time. Thanks God!

Also, a guy drove by the greenhouses on a dirt bike a couple days ago; one hand steering, the other holding a hot bowl of soup. This made me pretty happy.

...wondering why

2009-03-05T17:28:00.000-08:00

I'm trying to concentrate on my work but their screams in the distance over the wind rocking the green house around is so distracting. It isn't constant but it's enough to make me physically sick. They are like family to me, and they, themselves, are family. I have allot to do but hearing this kills me and I can't focus.

What possesses a person to be so hateful to someone they care so much about over something so small? Seven years now since the woods I've been asking this and I swear I'll never understand.

Why is it that if we cracked open our lives and looked inside, that we wouldn't find much evidence of Love? We might find a note that Love had been here or a message on the machine that Love had called, but Love's bed is made and hasn't been slept in for weeks. Love's jacket is gone from the rack and you're having a hard time remembering what that warm old jacket even looked like. The house is dark, love hasn't been home to happily bounce around leaving lights on and you sit alone in the quiet.

If you began to think about it, it might make you as sad as I.

What's wrong with us? When things are good and going our way we invite Love over all the time. We have so many smiles and hugs to give when things are as we want them. We say that God is Love, and yet we don't quite care enough to show it.

God forgive us.
______________________________________________________

My heart is glad to see you smile
To hear you sing for a little while
If it be a crime, put me on trial
And I'll be happy there

The kindest words are needles and thread
Anointing oil upon my head
Come, let me smile until I'm dead
And I'll be happy there

Voices raised in song tonight
Embraces that brought down the fight
Let me stay there in the light
And I'll be happy there

Come and sit with me, my friend
My heart is glad to see you again
This is Love and let us begin
And we'll be happy here

..writing

2009-02-28T17:55:00.000-08:00

So at the age of 18, on a rainy day off, I began writing a story on a friends computer. Over the next couple of years I slowly stacked a few bricks on one another but never picked up a pace that would bring about a finshed product. Recently I unwrapped this loosely arranged bit of script to find myself somewhat disgusted. O the lack of enthusiasm and sheer absence of literacy I found before me. At 18 I must have been enthrolled by the idea and far from concerned with the process. Not to mention that the many, many transfers between computers and programs that it underwent stripped it of any punctuation and even of much information.

Finding myself unable to do away with the story as a whole, I've begun rebuilding it. Partly for the criticism of friends, and partly to fuel my finishing the work I began(though it's far from it's horizon), I've decided to post it in a blog. I will post a chapter every few days. Of course the posts will soon slow, as I have kept little of what I originally had and having little to start with, I will be writing and posting as I have time. Also, an entire book on a blog seems a little much - not to mention unsafe for my own good. I'm not saying that it's good enough for someone to want to steal it but I suppose one can never be too careful; I've seen some awful stuff with great publishing deals, haha.

Here's the link if you are at all interested.

http://www.thetalesofenberlot.blogspot.com/

...new life

2009-02-27T19:21:00.000-08:00

So I've been out of internet, due to the ice storm, for about five or six weeks now - unable to post anything. So many 'post-worthy' things have happened in those weeks that I don't even know where to begin. Also, the most recent of those things is so amazing that whatever I had planned to blog about seems of no matter now...

Bella

This past Wednesday night ,my sister, Nicole, was taken into the hospital to prepare to be induced for labor. You see, Nicole is a little person and the doctors were quite concerned that had she carried baby Bella any longer that there would be complications getting the dear child out. She was in labor for twenty something hours and after some minor difficulties and much time in prayer, she gave birth to a healthy 7 1/2 pound baby girl(Bella), probably the cutest kid in the world.
I don't even know how to describe to amount of joy in the many, many friends and family that were there to lend their support and, of course, try to get a peek at Bella. I didn't get to see Bella for more than a minute before they whisked her away to be cleaned up and prepared for her new life, but it was grand.
After spending some time with Nicole(who to my surprise looked as if she had just returned from the mall instead of just given birth), friends and family in the delivery room, I headed home to attempt some rest - which I hadn't had since Monday or Tuesday.

Difficulties

After getting home, having a little Skype time and getting ready for bed, I received a phone call from Mom - at this point is was very late. To my horror, I could not make out what she was saying, her voice was mostly drowned out by the sounds if Nicole screaming in pain. I quickly got my shoes on and after another gut-wrenching call from mom(stating that no one knew what was wrong and no amount of drugs were helping), sent out a mass text for prayer and headed for the hospital.
The response to my cry for help on Nicole's behalf was very encouraging. I even received a phone call from a friend who, through tears, prayed with me and assured me that others had been alerted to the situation and were praying as well.
Upon arrival, I ran through the door to find Nicole tucked comfortably into bed(no horrid pain), being given some reassuring words out of Ephesians from a kind nurse by the name of Susan. It seems that at some point Susan arrived on the scene, pinpointed that problem and neutralized it. We were all relieved and I was able to send a response of praise and thanks to the army of pray warriors that toppled the battle in Nicole's favor. God is good.

p.s. I then got to feed Bella before putting the precious little thing to bed. Stoked.

p.p.s Nicole, if more people knew how well you did and how cool you stayed you would be a huge hero to more than just I and the rest who were there!

..turned over and contents spilled

2009-02-05T16:19:00.000-08:00

There have been allot of twists and turns in my life lately that I would have never expected. Some have been good and refreshing, some have been hard, humbling and strengthening - even the negative have a positive outcome(I'm always reminded of the verse my mother quoted so often as a child: "And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are called according to his purpose" - Romans 8:28).
I really don't know where to begin. I know that I will write in more detail as more unfolds but let's see...

I sold my jeep and have a complete peace with not searching for another car right now.

There was an ice storm that completely ravaged north Arkansas, leaving thousands upon thousands out of power - many still are. It brought an unnecessary amount of panic and disorder, but it also brought lots people together, sharing food or heat, and that was so nice to see.
The enevitable nearing of departure for wherever distination for however long for whatever reason has me excited and scared at the same time. "Be anxious for nothing" Phili - 4:6 The doors that have been opened are completely astounding.
Watching how God has been working in the lives of those around me(and far from me) has been equally astounding. I'm so thankful these days for those in my life and the unending ways God has blessed me.

I could go on for days but my internet access is limitted right now and I must go prepare for a show that I didn't know I was playing until an hour ago. Exciting!

...

2009-01-18T19:37:00.000-08:00

I found a myspace:blog scraggler...

The Day I Walked the Earth:

Alas the wall of kings came down
And all the people gathered round
Triumphant was the waking sound
The day I walked the earth

A sea of shining, crystal tears
Filled with lonely, searching years
Cries that I'd forever hear
The day I walked the earth

Mountains sang low and deep
The gates to passes, forever keep
The greenest hillsides cradled sheep
The day I walked the earth

Glorious in all it's sight
To all the earth would look like might
But Empires strength can only fight
The day I walked the earth

Shaded forests slumber sweet
Dreams horizons bring a fleet
Ships with guns and I'm on my feet
The day I walked the earth

Valleys vast in green and gray
Moonlit by night and bright by day
So many places I wished to stay
The day I walked

Gardens lay beneath night sky
Deserts burn forever dry
But no land came and wondered why
The day I walked the earth

The smiles I saw in lands of truth
In lands where children had no roof
Spoke an all resounding proof
The day I walked the earth

I found refuge beneath your hand
My heart is glad here, where I stand
I wish to bare your servants brand
All the days I walk the earth

I woke to find my feet at rest
They had not traveled east or west
But a calling lay within my chest
And I will walk the earth

[Here where I am or where I've never been. Lead me, oh Lord]

...blessed

2009-01-14T06:18:00.001-08:00

Listen

I think this song could ring forever in my ears and I would not tire of it
This blue mountain trail could stretch to the sea and I would walk it
These pages could turn for all my days and I would read them
These pictures could lay before me and I would gaze at them until they lost their colour
These trees could touch the sky and I would climb them
This river, I would float, should it never end
These words could pour over the years and I would listen
And all of these could end this moment but my thanks to You, oh Lord, would be always
For I know that gentle hands play a song out beyond my ears reach
Feet fall gracefully along the path on the horizon
A pen, painstakingly traces words on paper each passing hour in a kind heart
Smiles will be captured everyday in my mind through my trusty lenses
The wind softly searches these branches and soft, searching eyes will find me
I should wish for no end to this soothing current
Nore the end of comforting words, set to the sound of a beating heart
Oh what blessing you have brought to me, my God
Oh what praise I will give you in such joy that I have never known
Should I awake and all be gone
Should I be taken far from any such thing
I would sing of them still and of the love that I should be graced with such

...climbing

2009-01-09T16:24:00.000-08:00

God has not given me a spirit of fear
But of power and love and a sound mind
So I will be silent so that I may hear
And take action with strength, take action in time
These arms are not pillars that hold up the sky
I have my vices and night
Fail though I might, I will always try
And when the day comes, I will fight
Broken ankles and broken knees
These will not be few
You've heard my cries and distant pleas
I fear not the valley, for You lead me through
I will grit my teeth, I will not let go
My back will last as it will
You've given me strength and each day I grow
Oh bring me another hill...

...for my climbing has just begun.

...a song...at times.

2009-01-06T08:44:00.000-08:00

Well, here I am
Once again with blood on my hands
I've fallen on my face...
...in the river. Wash me clean

Here I stand
A failed and broken man
Of worth, there's not a trace
O savior, please hold me

What can I say?
What can I do?
You see me through...like you always do
And tomorrow...will be a glorious day

Let us walk
And hold our hands up high
Our Father be glorified
His grace has washed us clean

The world will talk
But let your life be loud
And let your voice cry out
"Our God has set us free"

What can we say?
What can we do?
You see us through...like you always do
And today...is a glorious day
Is a glorious day

...getting away from it all sometimes

2009-01-04T23:43:00.000-08:00

Sometimes it's needed and nice. Which has been more and more often. It's amazing how much you can distance your self from God without realizing it until you get somewhere quiet and alone and you draw a little closer. But what's more amazing is his forgiveness and the things that he reveals to us when we ask, even though we spend most of the time with our backs turned. He has shown me many things recently. Some of them have been welcomed and some of them hard to swallow but will all work for the good. Of this I am certain.

...not a typical new years.

2009-01-01T01:53:00.000-08:00

I for some reason lacked the enthusiasm to celebrate. Not that new years has ever been especially contrastive for me.

No new years resolutions. I don't see why resolutions can't be made during the year.

I did, however, ring in the new year watching Return of the King with Brent.

I also stayed up horribly late for no good reason and made some awful recordings of some acoustic stuff.

Pretty certain that I won't sleep...

...wants

2008-12-28T23:31:00.000-08:00

May I not leave my flocks unattended
May I disdain my hunger until harvest and not my crops
I draw strength from none other than Thee
My eyes will find a commodious place and there me and mine will dwell
You, my God, will stand before all others in my eyes
May my feet fall hesitantly on spiteful soil
And cautiously in the camp of the inimical
But may my strides have appetite on the paths you have led me
And in the lands you have promised me
Might I not grow hungry for empty wants
Or my eyes thirst for shining things that are but dead

Let me run after Thee and seek Thine heart for every day that I breathe

...5,300 miles

2008-12-24T09:02:00.000-08:00

My friend Craig and I just returned from a road trip of the northwest. It was absolutely awesome! Here's the rundown:

Paragould to Aspen:

After turning around a couple times to go back for some needed items we finally got started about 7pm on the 11th, thursday afternoon for Aspen CO. The trip to aspen took about 19 hours and was pretty uneventful until we hit the mountains at denver the next morning. The scenery in Colorado is always breathtaking and as soon as we arrived in the cozy town of Aspen it started to snow, adding to the already abundant amount of snow on the ground. In Aspen we met some really cool people, had some really good food and got some really sound sleep.

Aspen to Salt Lake City:

After some incredible blueberry pancakes and taking one last 'gander' at the awesome town of Aspen, we loaded up the car and headed for Salt Lake City, against the advice of...well everyone. You see Utah was getting smashed by a horrid winter storm. After a few hours of some really cool desert...ish scenery we hit the storm and it was pretty slow and stressful for the rest of the day. Little did we know, this would be our path for the next week! We got lost so many times and covered so much ground in Salt Lake that I'm pretty sure I could direct you better than any local. That night I played an acoustic set at a far from crowded but friendly coffee shop named Nostalgia. They gave as some free sandwiches...awesome sandwiches.

Salt Lake City to Portland:

We got in quite the habit of eating a big breakfast and then forgetting about food until getting to the next destination. So hard core. I'll be honest, the drive from Salt Lake to Oregon pretty awful...as was most driving for the rest of the trip. We actually fell short of making it to portland and stopped in Baker City, Oregon due to the weather but I'm glad we did. We ate at what was probably the coolest diner EVER and got a great deal on a room that included breakfast at that same diner. After returning some worried phone calls and getting a good night sleep, we headed out for Portland, once again, against the advice of most...especially a disgruntled truck driver who was pretty certain that we'd never be heard from again.

Baker City to Portland:

This day was also filled with nervewrecking driving, sliding about on top of who knows how many inches of ice and snow. However, the scenery picked up and Oregon turned out to be all we could have asked for. Getting into and navigating Portland was a little tough and discouraging after my show for that night fell through...but the discouragement didn't end there. We decided to stay on the west edge of Portland and drive to the ocean in the morning but couldn't find the motel we were directed to. I'm still somewhat convinced that it doesn't exist. In the process of stopping to ask for directions something happened to craigs car and it wouldn't start. You see, craigs car already has to be hotwired to even start and when this failed in 8 degree (f) weather frustration began to get the best of us. After some desperate prayers in hopes of fixing the car and that craig wouldn't punch his windshield out, I felt as though I should look under the hood(where we were certain the problem did not lie) and pull on a single chord that had no apparent problem... Blammo! It started and we ended up at an expensive hotel where we were pitied and given a very nice room for very very cheap Haha! Thanks God!

Portland to Seaside:

This day was pretty rad all around. Though we still had to drive through more snow and ice than we could have ever dreamed, the Oregon countryside was enough to make you stare in awe, pray egstatically and sing all at the same time! I can't really describe the tall, sleepy forests or the majectic mountains that reached out to the coast so...well just go there if you ever have the chance. The remainder of the day was spent walking about four miles on the beach, climbing cliffs along the coast and admiring the lighthouses as they lit up at nightfall. I had the best hotdog ever at a nice little food/bar place where some overly nice people personally led us to the cheapest lodging in the area.

Seaside to Lethbridge:

Well this was an ordeal. There were of course no complaints driving back through Oregon but somewhere in washington or idaho we hit the worst storm we had seen yet. Visibility was about 30 ft and what was supposed to be a 10 hour trip turned into 21 or 22...I can't remember. Not only were we detained at the border for bringing a friggin guitar without a work permit but we also were far too delirious to make sense of our directions to Luke's house and had to wake poor Bethany at 5:30am for help. But after some more detailed directions and being waken up by the 63,546,224,406,300 christmas lights at her house, we found our destination and got a whole 3 hours of sleep before we had to wake up to go snowshoeing!

Lethbridge:

This was definitely the highlight of our trip! First of all, waking up in a strange house full of dudes you don't know would normally be a little awkward...not here. We were family within a few minutes! 'Southern Hospitality" take notes. After we got on our feet we braved the bitter cold and picked up Bethany for a day of snowshoeing which was probably one of the coolest things I've ever done! The scenery once again had me staring in awe, praying egstatically and singing at the same time. That evening was spent hanging out with our new-found friends, laughing at eachothers accents and watching Stardust. I never get tired of that movie. Oh yes I also had onion-riddled spaghetti...and liked it. That doesn't happen.

The next day was spent wondering around Lethbridge(awesome town!!) buying tacky things at thrift stores and being introduced to Poutine(spelling?) it's basically fries with brown gravy and cheese curds...AMAZING! That evening we were invited to dinner at the Chinook house, where Bethany works with some very very heartwarming and wonderful people! I had indian food for the first time and once again Bethany snuck in a gianormous onion without my noticing. Just gobbled it down.(touche sneaky lady) Later we had the liberty of meeting more awesome people at a gingerbread party(not as gay as it sounds), jamming with Luke and watching none other than Monty Python and the Holy Grail...awesome! There were some sad goodbyes before bed and not much sleep, knowing we'd have to leave the next morning.

After more sad goodbye's to Luke and Ryan(new relatives) We headed for Arkansas. Now we didn't get far before smoke poured out from under the hood and we were stranded, seeing as how it would be 2 days before a shop would look at the car. It wasn't long before Luke and Ryan were on their way to get us but out of nowhere came yet another overly kind canadian who gladly fixed Craigs car and had us on our way without charge. Thanks Denise!! Of course, poor Ryan and Luke had already arrived to our rescue and we were starting to get excited about being stuck in Lethbridge at that point but we no longer had an excuse and had to be on our way.

Canada to Arkansas:

37 friggin hours non-stop. That's all.

...brought near

2008-11-25T16:43:00.000-08:00

A rude awakening and howling wind, stagger to my feet
Shaking in the cold and ever chilled by snow and sleet
Blood upon hands and clothes that tell of wrong I've done
I find no justice in the thought that I should turn and run
Smoke and cries fill the air, Oh the ruin I've brought
In hiding from your trusting voice and selfish desires sought
Flames and rubble, heartache and shame, are left in my wake
What tragedy must come about before my pride will break
And so I wonder into the night, this darkness I have earned
And in the dark I'll cry for you, for Your grace I've yearned
And like a drop on desert dunes, like a river in the sand
Like the loving father You are, You came and took my hand
You turn this darkness into cloudless day that warms me
You lay a valley, green and lush and glowing, out before me
I deserve the place in which you found me, dark and cold
But your forgiveness paid my price and I am proudly sold

"But now in Christ Jesus you who once were far off have been brought near by the blood of Christ." Eph - 2:13

(photo cred: B. Thiessen)
http://www.photoxday.blogspot.com/
http://www.thisisbetty.blogspot.com/

...changing.

2008-11-22T15:58:00.000-08:00

Sometimes change comes that even the most welcoming of change do not want to deal with. And even though time heals all wounds and humiliation, it's sometimes hard to see how you can feel normal again. God's forgiveness is a hard concept to grasp when you need it most. I don't think one can truly understand such a thing. What beauty that we don't have to.

"There's a great deal of trust in the love of God, and a great deal of love in the trust of God." Why is it that we as humans have so much trouble trusting God enough to listen when he speaks? Perhaps it's a lack of trust in ourselves. A fear that we do not have the strength needed. When, if we were honest with ourselves, we would realize that he's never asked anything of us that we could not do. Pride is possibly the thickest wall between man and God.

Just because "nothing is wrong" doesn't mean that anything is right...

...but storms only pass.

"Is it not from the mouth of the Most High that woe and well-being proceed? Why should a living man complain, a man for the punishment of his sins? Let us search out and examine our ways, and turn back to the Lord" - Lamentations 3:38 - 40

I recently realized that I no longer have a place that feels like home. I have allot of fond memories in the Ozarks but I no longer have any family there and most of the people I grew up with(which is not very many) are long gone. The last few times I visited, it was nice but a different place, really. As for here in the flat farmlands, I love my friends and family but geographically it's quite depressing. If it weren't for working on the ridge everyday I might go insane, haha. If i never again have a place that "feels like home" I suppose that would be fine, seeing as I tend to be somewhat restless. Although, there is a part of me that will insist upon living somewhere out away from the noise and clammer and peacefully enjoying time with my Creator, at some point. A nice chunk of my life, perhaps. Sometimes I can't help but picture a place against the mountains but maybe not too far from the prairie. There would be evergreens and plenty of snow. There would be a few warm coffee houses and libraries in which you could talk with some interesting locals or read or pray. There would be loving friends or family...or both, who you spent as much time with as you pleased, helping with daily chores or having supper at one another's house or celebrating holidays. Jam/recording sessions would abound, as well. Haha I truly doubt this place exists, except in a painting over some old lady's fire place or on the book cover of an old pleasant read. It's just as well and that's fine and all but we dreamers tend to do just that...dream! It's not that we build false hope in something that isn't real or distort our expectations of life, we just appreciate dreams turned into reality all the more when someone takes action to do so. I'm done rambling about dreams. The real world is right here and there's too much life to be lived to not live it. But in humility and with wisdom and reservation. It would be easy to overlook so much.

"Man puts an end to darkness, and searches every recess for ore in the darkness and the shadow of death...
...But where can wisdom be found? And where is the place of understanding? Man does not know it's value, nor is it found in the land of the living. The deep says, 'It is not in me'; And the sea says, 'It is not with me.' It cannot be purchased for gold, Nor can silver be weighed for it's price." - Job:28

...realization.

2008-10-21T17:02:00.000-07:00

I cannot express in words my love for and joy in my Creator, right now. I don't say it or meditate upon it enough. "Thanks" to my friends and family. You make a bigger difference than you know.

...backpacking.

2008-10-15T19:45:00.000-07:00

This past weekend I went backpacking with my nephew, Blake and my friend Jacob. We left out after work Thursday, and after driving through the night and taking turns at the wheel, we decided to go ahead and hit the trail around 4:00am(with little to no sleep). It was a pretty rad sunrise but we ended up unknowingly facing the hardest uphill in the smokys...super. Later that day we reached the summit and had an amazing view from the fire tower there.
After a stupidly long hike to the Laurel Gap shelter we met some funny guys from Alabama and had a good night's sleep and awoke to the smell of pancakes, cooked in many heavy skillets, backpacked in by the Alabamans who carried huge packs and practically brought a kitchen AND living room.
We had planned on a short hike that day and allot of 'goof off time' but once we arrived to an overbooked shelter we realized that our failure to registure at the trailhead kiosk had resulted in our reservations being voided. Therefore, we had a long way to go and only illegal camping to do.
We saw some AMAZING sights and was gifted with a stupidly cool camping spot right before dark(granted that 60+ MPH winds beating me up and bending overhead trees to the ground was less cool).
After a tough hike, more awesome sights and seeing a few bears on the trail we arrived at the car...ooooonly to find the the whole park was angry about our double parking. Olive Garden made it okay.
Though the majority of the trip was filled with sore legs and small talk, there was plenty of time to get lost in the wind gusts and peaceful evenings and make contact with God without all the distractions that we consider to be modern comforts. Incredible.

Here's some rockin' pics:

...drifting thoughts.

2008-10-02T05:29:00.000-07:00

There are a few misunderstandings that I feel it my duty to set straight:

Living at your means is not a shame, it's a privilege.

Finding yourself alone in the woods does not mean you're lost, just getting back to your roots.

Getting beverages in your beard is not a problem, it's an honor.
____________________________________________________________________

I did a landscape a couple days ago for a gentleman from South Africa and he eagerly told me all about it. Why am I coming across so many things that tickle my travel bone?

...remembering a childhood

2008-09-23T04:27:00.000-07:00

It was bottle feeding feeding baby goats first thing in the morning and first thing before bed. It was trips to the blueberry patch because mom would make blueberry pancakes. It was small game hunting in the snow with my brother. It was waking up at six, not because we had to but because we were stoked to. It was doing my schoolwork in our dining room, surrounded by moms ferns and flowers and other house plants. It was diving off of the deck onto the trampoline, even though mom would rather we didn't. It was breaking our horses with my brother(often resulting in some sort of injury lol). It was drills with the A.U.N.F (army club), making our own ghillie suits and spying on the good people of Dripping Springs valley...hahaha. It was swimming at Steel Creek and seeing who could jump the highest off of the boulders or who could stay the longest on the bottom. It was making stop-motion, toy movies with my sister. It was home church with people from all over and hippie-dancing in the living room. It was chasing elk through boxley valley. It was stopping at the old country store in Osage to see if they had some bit-o-honey. It was days on end in the woods and never getting bored with it. It was my first hunting trip with Dad and seeing a shot that would make the rest of the trips boring in comparison. It was forty minute trips for Isshinryu classes in the dodge but we didn't mind. It was watching old movies with the parents because old movies were decent. It was barely dressed trips to the woodpile in the dead of winter because me and my brother insisted that we were tough. It was rain in the orchard. It was leading a #1 online team on Delta Force with my right-hand man, Harry denOughden from the Netherlands and my Mom who was strangely good at stealth and 'knifing' snipers. It was running to meet my Dad when he came home from work. It was stocking up on military goods from grandpa's store (an old man who still sold things at the price they would have been in 1943). It was exploring the woods and pastures at the Groves on horseback. It was mad rollerblading skills at rink on thursdays. It was helping Mom in the garden. It was catching more catfish than we knew what to do with at the pond up the mountain. It was riding my bike for miles down a dirt road. It was building forts and cabins on the back acres. It was playing bluegrass with the whole family. It was listening to my celtic albums and attempting to play along. It was more days on end in the woods. It was traipsing through the snow until I could no longer feel any of my extremities. It was ramping the datson around the chicken houses. It was falling out of the hay loft and busting my head. It was finding coyote and mountain lion dens with my brother...wow that wasn't safe. It was having supper with the family around the table...together. It was bible devotions every night before bed and singing hymns and praise songs until Nicole or I fell asleep. It was grand and I thank God for it. Wouldn't trade it for anything.

...combinations

2008-09-20T13:25:00.000-07:00

(no particular order)

bad:
late to bed + early to rise
hiking + wet socks
hide and seek + socks
showtime + broken string
slick greenhouse floor + gravity
alone + wolves
sauerkraut + anything
dumb people + big ideas
large amounts of people + no love
lack of communication + God
ireland + no ticket to ireland

good:
rain + sigur ros
walks in the woods + coffee
movies + sleep
midgets + small boats
autumn + writing
paramore + riding 4wheelers
sunny, windy days + david crowder
cheezit's + canadians
laying under evergreens + morning
snow + violin
scarf + soup
reading + blanket
psalms + instrumental
proverbs/eph + open field
fresh cut grass + bare feet
frost + cozy sleeping bag
aspen groves + chilling out
thinking + pipe
mountain tops + prayer
cornerstone + friends
comfortable sweats + lots of sleep
fireplace + log cabin

...seeking

2008-09-13T16:40:00.000-07:00

Footsteps fall quietly
The light is oh, so faint
The air is clean and morning glow
Brings promise of the day
My breath is caught in strands of light
Between the branches, dance
A vapor, soon gone from my sight
Seen casually at glance
The evergreens stand silently
As though to calm my soul
The others slowly dropping leaves
Preparing for the snow
A creek, nearby, sings low and deep
And tells of travels, far
But through it's language, signals seep
"He knows just where you are"
And at the waters edge, I rest
The sun now warms my face
I've found a peace within my chest
I've found you in this place

...random thoughts.

2008-09-02T21:40:00.000-07:00

So I have a new pass-time; Making sense of the conversation between the rednecks at the country store where I eat lunch. Here's how it works. I'll pick out a table across the room and start trying to form what I hear into words. So far I've failed, terribly. Here's what I've got...Billy Bob - "Maa at dang ol' dow by meh propty lie doe wanna budge!" Bubba - "Zat rye? Weh I seen tree cop cars oh round der an slike y'planet annit grow buh maaaannnn you bear water deh thang maaannn!"

...yeah, Seriously.

I worked about three hours late today but didn't mind at all. I was planting seven trees for Don, a retired air force officer. We talked about everything from travel to UFOs. A nice visit. He told me about some amazing places he's lived. Germany and Alaska, among others. He seemed so excited to talk about them and encourage that any young person travel as much as they can while they're young. I asked if he preferred any of them to living here and he seemed to prefer ANY of them to here. All he seemed to have to say was that he had grown up here and then stopped and got quiet for a long time as if he had never thought about why he came back. He had raised his children in different places so it wasn't for family. He moved away at the age of twenty two and came back to almost no one he knew. So why DID he come back? Then I thought about my parents. My father has traveled the world more than anyone I know and my mother is very adventurous. They raised us kids up in the mountains and still returned to where they grew up after many years. Will I have an instinct to 'go home' when I get older? If I do, the Ozarks wouldn't be a half bad place to kick it but it's just an interesting question.

Final thought: ...no. No wait. No final thought. Too tired. Bye.

...full of dreaming

2008-08-24T19:10:00.000-07:00

Listless, quiet, restless but still
Flashes and reflections pass in the dark
Miles and hours will fail to fill
Each passing house, in it's place, plays it's part
Inside, are lamps, tables and chairs
Dimly lit rooms with a welcoming glow
Windows stand as portals, in pairs
As quickly as they pass, it seems so slow
Lives go on inside and sun is soon to rise
Open fields and frost sing a searching song of warmth
Arrival to rest and sleep finds my eyes
Never such comfort and dreams are sent forth

...bad poetry

2008-08-21T16:21:00.001-07:00

What good are all the words on the earth
If, to healing, they cannot give birth?
And so it seems my words have no worth
And I sing an empty song

If all the stories that I tell
Are only proof that I lie so well
And on every word I tripped and fell
Then I sing an empty song

But through my sin and through my shame
I heard you calling out my name
You held me close without blame
And I sang an unworthy song, a beautiful song, indeed

...hard sometimes

2008-08-19T16:56:00.000-07:00

The past few weeks have been rough in many ways. And yet no matter how hard life gets or much we suck as humans...the amount of love God pours out on us in so many ways still ceases to amaze me.

Like a song upon the wind
I hear Your calling voice, within
A song, i sing, in sweet return
With standing strength and softly stern
And when my strength fails me to stand
Ever faithful is your hand
Forgiveness in it's bracing form
To shield my heart from raging storms
And in my failure I rejoice
With, perhaps, a wavering voice
But of Your love, I can only sing
And of the glory that it brings

...tasty

2008-08-13T21:18:00.000-07:00

I ate a mouthful of ants, today. It wasn't intentional. I sat my clif bar down beside me at work and apparently it took the ants no time to find it because I picked it back up a few moments later and took a huge bite, only to find that it tasted kind of weird. I looked down and saw that my clif bar was swarmed with ants...as was my mouth.

I didn't eat any more on purpose but they really didn't taste that bad.

Take that, Bear Grylls!

...somewhat eventful

2008-08-11T17:30:00.000-07:00

So this is my first blog post. I feel almost arrogant for thinking that I need a special place for this, haha. But then I'm sure all two of you who will keep up with this will find something of interest here. I'm not much of a journalist so I doubt that there will be any kind of a daily update but then again my life, at it's busiest, doesn't deserve a daily post.

So let's see. Friday I drove down to stay with Chuck at his slammin' pad in Beebe and saw the majority of "Be Kind Rewind" before falling asleep on his couch. The following morning we headed for Ponca after making a stop at walmart only to realize that we were completely unprepared and had done zero planning but it was all good. We drove up scenic HWY 7 which has some pretty saucome views and a pretty decent little burger joint out away from everything. After getting there we got about 3 miles down the Buffalo River Trail before the rain hit, almost a day early! But that didn't stop us from doing so swimmin' in the very whole that I learned to swim in! On the way back we stopped in Jasper and I had an elf burger for the second time in my life. Still Good. Sunday morning I got to attend an AMAZING church, New Life Church, in Conway! I wouldn't survey a church by this...but they served me a Chai Latte. Sweet.

I can't help but feel that I'm somehow reverting to my childhood by watching so many old movies lately but I can't help it. They're the best.

That's all I've got. Bye.